Pessimism

I sometimes wonder to myself... what have I been doing for the past few years? I was insanely motivated in high school where I can accomplish anything without even trying. I was really happy... and above all, I was confident. I just looked back and see how pathetic I've turned into since I was a high school senior.

I graduated with a 4.0 gpa in my senior year which raised my entire high school career of a gpa of 3.0. It was amazing. I didn't do anything during my senior year... instead, I thought that I did things that might have been negative on my final year of high school. I slept in trig where I got the highest grade in the entire class. I always came late to French 5, but understood the material. Cheated in business management... barely showed up for TA, and was an average student in English. On top of that, I hung out with my friends a bit more and wasn't home as often to do any schoolwork, but yet I was kicking ass.

That was high school... and also 4 years ago. Now... 4 years after my golden year, I see that I've gone nowhere but down. I'm still in a community college where I'm actually trying and not doing so hot. Got disqualified from a state university where I could've just endured it and graduated with my high school friends again and get a decent education and possibly now starting a career. Instead of that wonderful life in my fantasy, I'm stuck at a school far from home that gives me a half-ass education where the people there are meh.

This is absolutely not what I hoped for when I finished high school. Instead of doing what I did, I should've stuck to my first plan which was go to FJC for 2-3 years and finish all my lower divisions, and then transfer to CPP and major in aerospace engineering. If had I gone with that plan, I could've graduated by next fall with an entry-level annual income of $80k. No, instead... I went to CSUF, fucked up there... went to FJC, fucked up there... and now GWC, doing alright and graduate in a year and a half with an entry-level annual income of $45k. Yeah... nearly half of what I could've made.

It's too late for me to simply sit here and just look at my mistakes with regret. Frankly, I'm disgusted at myself and won't bother say meaningless shit like "Oh, I just have to keep it up and will make it there. There's nothing for me to worry about cuz I can do this." No... FUCK no! Instead, I won't say a fucking useless thing... I'll just aim at what I need to do. Don't talk to me about what I have in mind for my future cuz whatever I plan, I never end up doing. I think it's time that I've come to realization that I'm more of a spontaneous person than I thought. I can work best... when I'm in one hell of a pickle. So right now... I'm in a semi-fucked up position, but it's possible for me to come out and upset the shit out of life. So really... don't bother me anymore. I won't bother you anymore about my achievements of failure... I'm going to fucking haul ass.